The first of many....

Well my husband and everyone else on the planet knows about my two other blogs. This one is new and I am not going to tell anyone about it. I just want a place to vent and talk. I have been having a lot of self esteem issues lately and I just want to be able to get them out and down in writing.

I just feel really really fat. I am about 20 pounds over what I need to be weighing and 20 pounds more than I was when my husband met me just about 2 and a half years ago. He says he loves me still and thinks it would be good for me to loose just a few pounds... like that made me feel better. But, I don't believe him. Who could love someone who was once much smaller and prettier when they met?

It's not like I have had a baby. I know that it is just because I have become very lazy and comfortable in our relationship. But, now I am not even comfortable. I just feel fat and hate myself. I hate myself and the way I look, but I still can not come up with ANY motivation to loose any weight. I don't understand. I tell myself one day "I am going to do it!" and then seriously not even 2 days later I am in the cabinets getting snacks. I CAN NOT DO IT. I don't know why. I can not clean out the cabinets of all the bad stuff, because my husband and son eat all the "good stuff". They would be pissed if I took it all away.

I sometimes wonder if he really even loves me anymore, and if it is because I am so fat now. Well, we will see how long our marriage lasts and if I can actually loose any of this fat. I will be back to keep you posted.